WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE BUT CHOSE NOT TO

Raw with love

“I will remember the kisses 
our lips raw with love 
and how you gave me 
everything you had 
and how I 
offered you what was left of 
me, 
and I will remember your small room 
the feel of you 
the light in the window 
your records 
your books 
our morning coffee 
our noons our nights 
our bodies spilled together 
sleeping 
the tiny flowing currents 
immediate and forever 
your leg my leg 
your arm my arm 
your smile and the warmth 
of you 
who made me laugh 
again.”

Charles Bukowski

You changed. I changed. We do not belong together.

You had me and you let me go. I never agreed to that but I just made myself believe it would be the best solution so we wouldn't get hurt. Guess what. I do not think I have ever felt something like this. It's my mind that won't let me sleep, it keeps thinking and thinking and it does not give me a break or two. I'm all worn out. You wore me out. I'm not myself anymore because I lost my way. I offered everything for you and put myself at stake. For you. And now you are gone, and everything around it. I knew you were trouble, there were just 4 months that proved it was not so. And here I sit, broken hearted and you can not seem to care one bit. You tore my down, you wore me out and you are proud of it. Do not tell me it is not so, I can see you're proud of how you made me. I will not ever forgive myself for letting you go, never. But at the same time, I do not think I can actually be in one room with you, alone. 

You were projecting all your problems on me and I never said a thing. And then I started to treat you the same way and it was not appreciated. I felt like I was not good enough. And yet, deep down I know I deserve better and more. I deserve someone who respects me for who I am, and for what I do. And for when I care about you, I expect you to do the same. I want to shower you in love, but I can't keep going on without getting it in return. You wanted my love, but not my affection. You did not return a thing. And when you did, you were somewhere else with your mind. You were there in the moment and then I would lose you again to something else that I can not figure out myself. 

It is truly a shame, because I did think we would make it. We could have made it if you weren't so stubborn and egocentric. We could have made it if you were there for me and if you had taken care of me when I felt like shit. We would have had an amazing time studying apart from each other, but with one goal: finish it and live together. We'd devote our lives to each other. Eventually we would marry. Have kids. 

Lies. 

Everything you said were little white lies. Why would you? You probably couldn't care anymore after all the tantrums when I felt like shit; you turned your head around and said you did not have the time for me at all and that you weren't waiting for it and that you did not deserve all of this. You did. You let me down. From all the people who would ever treat me this way and hurt me this much, it had to be you. You saw my sunday, you saw my rage, my love, my heart that was falling apart and you could not even look at me. And when you could, you started laughing. In the end you did hug me. I was okay with it. You told me I'd be fine, you'd be fine and that things would go well between us. Look at that. You broke that promise and once again you found my weakness and you do not even know how fucked up I am. 

I'm done with everything. I'd almost feel sorry for you, but I will not. I will have to stay strong and think about myself for a change. You're not number 1 anymore. I have to take care of myself, if I will not start doing that I am sure I will end up in either an institute or seeing a psychiatrist. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. And you made me believe things would be okay, so when you told me all of it, it broke my heart not once but twice. It is because of people like you that I have trust issues. There are so many arguments that proved you never cared, you never loved. But I thought it was all of that. I thought this was the end, this was something I had always wanted and yet it felt so wrong. 

We knew from the beginning it would not be easy because we are two different characters, and yet we wanted this. We signed up for this, so when things went wrong, it went wrong. But it only went wrong because we are different. No. You couldn't handle it. You couldn't even handle one single joke from me when I tolerate a thousand jokes from you. You told me you felt trapped when you were around me, because you couldn't even make a joke without me getting pissed or walking away. It is because I was unsure about us. How you were around me, how you treated me. There were times that I didn't even get anything that looked, felt like affection. I had told you a million times I wanted more affection because I can't read your thoughts.

I remember the first time I kissed you, the first time I told you I loved you, the first time. I thought my happiness could never run low, but I am goddamn lower than the temperature of ice at the moment. I told you all my secrets, you know me 100% but I feel like I do not know you at all. I thought I did, but clearly not. I gave everything. I do not know about you, and you texting my friend saying 'i am sorry, i tried, i hope you're not mad at me' only makes me want to laugh. 

I was fine until you came along. You made me better, but you also made me worse. I was perfectly fine and you came along and it's like a door opened for me. So many opportunities, all the things I could do and see and I did those! I did it because of you! If you knew all the things I have done for you... Maybe it is better that you do not know, because I could not bear just another knife in my back. I was so happy and you fucked it up. It was you who gave up on me, on us. I only accepted it because if you love someone, you should set them free. 

As James Black once sang, there's a limit to your love, there's a limit to your care. 

I wish I could have been the person to make you happy but I was not that person and it hurts to see you go around like nothing happened. I just can't take your word for it and believe you. I know what's happening around you and no one could ever be 'fine' while that's happening. You told me I'm one of the persons that does not understand you at all. Fine. So it be, but please stop torturing me and cut me loose.

You should have known with what you were dealing with so you could actually think about what you signed up for. You knew I am emotionally unstable, and you knew I had my moments. And yet, in the end I always wanted to be with you and talk to you. Besides the romance we developed, we developed a really big friendship. And with you leaving, that friendship disappeared. Maybe I miss the close friendship we had, or maybe I miss you. I do not know. I know nothing. My mind is blank, my life is meaningless at the moment and I am not kidding when I say I would do anything just to run away and become someone unknown.

 Someone who got lost in time and space, a forgotten soul. 

After everything we have been through.. I do not know what I feel. I feel remorse towards you because I know you are the problem and not me. I love you and I feel like I need to take care of you, but at another hand I am done dealing with you. In the end I know you give a little and take a lot. And in this case I mean my heart. You took it, threw it on the ground and trampled it until I felt numb. I agreed with a lot of things just to please you, even though they hurt me. You said things I want to erase from my memory because those were mean. If you'd ask me if I would do it again, I would say yes. 

I am sorry about the things I said. I only said those things to make you realise how bad I felt, but you didn't. You told me this is not how a relationship goes, but what if it actually does but you have not experienced it. You compared me to your former girlfriends; I could never compare you to anyone. Even if I could, I would not ever compare you because you are different. I have been so proud of you, I have been so proud because you were my boyfriend. I didn't think I deserved you at all. I felt like I finally got what I deserved after 6 years of hard work. But I guess it was too good to be true.

You're a dick, but I love you. Those were my finals words. That night we had a good conversation and I actually slept well. When I woke up I felt good. I felt like I had woken up from a nightmare that had lasted 10 days. For 10 days straight I have cried, I have skipped a lot of dinners and I locked myself up. I do not need anyone but you. I want you back. But I know it won't be the same. I have this illusion that one day I will wake up and I will realise it was a dream that went on for ages. And that you walk in my house, and give me a kiss and place yourself next to me. I miss the setting my life has been in for a long time. 

All these things you have ever made me feel, all the things we did together and have done together are still my favorite memories. It just didn't last. We did not last. You should know that I do not regret a single thing, and that I would do it all over again. Just minus the shit. We were too serious, we took things way too serious. I want you to be happy and I wish you all the best. I hate myself for saying this but I want you to leave me alone and go on with your life. I will be fine. It will be the only way for me to return to myself and get over you. I do not want to fight, I just can not seem to switch off my feelings and responsibility. It's harder for me than for you. But hey...

You're a dick and I love you.

I can't do it anymore, I'm all worn out.